Feet! Aren't feet the most dreadful things? They are most certainly the least appealing of all human appendages. Sometimes I feel that they are the good Lord's unkindest jest. The foot that is not hideous is the rarest thing on the planet. But, oh, the typical one! Why must the typical ones always run to the extreme? They are either as bloated as jelly-fish with ghastly sausage toes - ohhh! - or they are long, horribly twisted claws! Yes, claws! Why, any civilised culture would provide little boots that its citizens would wear all day and all night, to be provided at birth and to be buried in...oh...well, I suppose that's a silly idea....
Well, I shan't even contemplate the contents of men's shoes, but those of my sex? Sandals! An affront to all decency, but women will go about, day and night, in sandals. Only those possessing the most neutral of feet should be allowed sandals. And yet, everywhere you look, wobbly women with their horrid, painted toenails jutting through, their crusty heels slopping over the sides. Oh, it's too much to bear. It's really too, too much to bear! Oh...!
Oh.... Oh, what was I saying? I know I was most upset. Hmmm.... Oh, yes - feet! You know, my feet aren't half bad, really. Quite small, which is nice. And narrow, which shows my breeding, you understand. And I do take care of the wee things - well, I don't do it, of course. I have the most marvelous little Malaysian woman who tends to them. She's such a pet; I cart her about with me everywhere. No, she doesn't speak! But I'd be lost without her. Aren't I lucky? To be me? Haha!
Goodbye for now, my darlings!
3 weeks ago
2 comments:
oh darling,
i'm so sorry that you feel, even for a moment, that your fans are not clamoring for you. indeed: clamoring! pedicure or no!
brazen of me to suggest it. your feet are always positively perfectly taken care of by your darling malaysian girl, i know. but darling, some people just have not had the foresight and breeding to make such arrangements!
let's hope that your darling penny has not for one moment come to look like a HINDOO with bare feet brazen, and TAN. and let's hope that the ski instructor has been told just what hill he can ski down (wink, penny) so that he's off and off again to his next adventure, and our dear penny returns to us with perhaps a story, but nothing else weighing her down!
i risk that you'll never have me for tea again!
but o, how i love you! both!
"Risk", darling? Whatever do you mean? There is never any risk, pet - of what, I don't know - between two (and three!) as we are. You are my (our - haha!) grande amie du coeur. Oh, how I adore you! But - have - you let your wee feet go? You know, I've never even noticed your feet; that - has - to be a good sign. If they were hideous, I would be sure to notice. If you are - desperate - I could send my little woman round to you?
Oh, but darling, where - are - you? You, such a great artist of the theatre, femme du monde, why, you could be anywhere? You - will - speak of the Hindoos; you've not gone off to India again, have you? My dearest darling, you must be careful about that. You must think about what people might say. You are the most - ravishing - thing; we're always quite knocked down to the ground by your sheer physical beauty. But you must always remember that your face and form give the impression of being of, shall we say, "indeterminate" origin. You don't want people thinking you are half-caste, do you? Constantly fluttering down to the "dark continent" may give rise to rumours, I'm sorry to say. You know Merle Oberon? Of course you do; not a terribly good actress, but nearly as lovely as you are. And in that same "indeterminate" mode. Why, she'd never be so foolish as to set - foot - in India. Which - would - be a bit too much of a "homecoming", if you grasp my meaning. Oh, it's all too silly, really. And dreadful. These things absolutely - should - not matter. But I suppose they still do. Perhaps that charming little fellow Gandhi will change all this. Have you met him, darling? Oh, he's got the world by the tail, doesn't he? I met him in London last year. What charisma, what allure. Though, you know, he was nearly nude! Yes, he was, save sandals and a sort of cape. But his little white diaper was quite the - chic-est - thing!
Yes, if you find yourself in "proximity", do come for tea. And I'll make certain that it is of the CHINESE variety! Haha!
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