Feet! Aren't feet the most dreadful things? They are most certainly the least appealing of all human appendages. Sometimes I feel that they are the good Lord's unkindest jest. The foot that is not hideous is the rarest thing on the planet. But, oh, the typical one! Why must the typical ones always run to the extreme? They are either as bloated as jelly-fish with ghastly sausage toes - ohhh! - or they are long, horribly twisted claws! Yes, claws! Why, any civilised culture would provide little boots that its citizens would wear all day and all night, to be provided at birth and to be buried in...oh...well, I suppose that's a silly idea....
Well, I shan't even contemplate the contents of men's shoes, but those of my sex? Sandals! An affront to all decency, but women will go about, day and night, in sandals. Only those possessing the most neutral of feet should be allowed sandals. And yet, everywhere you look, wobbly women with their horrid, painted toenails jutting through, their crusty heels slopping over the sides. Oh, it's too much to bear. It's really too, too much to bear! Oh...!
Oh.... Oh, what was I saying? I know I was most upset. Hmmm.... Oh, yes - feet! You know, my feet aren't half bad, really. Quite small, which is nice. And narrow, which shows my breeding, you understand. And I do take care of the wee things - well, I don't do it, of course. I have the most marvelous little Malaysian woman who tends to them. She's such a pet; I cart her about with me everywhere. No, she doesn't speak! But I'd be lost without her. Aren't I lucky? To be me? Haha!
Goodbye for now, my darlings!
1 week ago